Vocal Voices

by **Kaz** » 15 May 2013, 16:17

The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese'
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson,
Southampton.

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.
D Evans, London.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth.

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting
people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours
community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to
finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some
recognition for it's contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London
beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always
be with us.
George Nisbet.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing
she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan
Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole.

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin
Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out
not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's
'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians
prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota
system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change
after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News
that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God
from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a
billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more
harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament
into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be
robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least
he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some
action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That
should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

If it's true what they say, 'Once you pop, you can't stop', why are
Pringles tubes re-sealable?
A Bean, Sudbury

Please can you help me? I can't seem to think of another purpose for
multi-purpose compost, other than for growing plants in.
Leo Stitch, email