With a white board covered with his unintelligible scribblings and a long pointy stick to hand, he wants to explain to all and sundry what is happening this coming footie season. 
Actually, the bird is making a huge meal out of it, because this year, in fact, there is just one over-riding target. And that is to see Mousehole FC!
The short long story is that last season, the FA introduced their Grand Readjustment of League Boundaries, which resulted inevitably in a lot of rumbling across the country, but nowhere more so than in the West Country, where a raft of ambitious Cornish clubs were happily elevated to the Western League Premier (Step 5), necessitating trips as far north as Bristol. The Cornish club were happy; the Avon clubs seriously unamused, and we got very close to pitchforks at dawn
, not least when Keynsham Town were asked to travel to Mousehole for a Tuesday evening fixture. As someone at Keynsham wryly remarked “Manchester’s closer ….” 
In the event, Keynsham Town actually refused to go.
Scrutiny of the FA FullTime results website shows that Keynsham forfeited this 5th April game, but tellingly three weeks later, it was Mousehole’s turn to visit Keynsham – which they cheerfully did, losing 2-1. That was on a Saturday, though, not midweek ......So the FA were bludgeoned into a rethink, prompted by threats of resignations of Bristol-based clubs in this current close season. And so, from 2023/24, the top Cornish clubs will be in a newly constituted league which will see them confined to Cornwall and Devon. And my only chance of watching the last remaining top-flight Cornish club I need to see – the wretched Mousehole
- will be sometime this season. Will the bird be successful? Or have his chances flown. 
The fixtures are out, but the planners have not been kind, so we must wait and see!So, to Shaftesbury last Tuesday to go pay a deposit towards the removal of the Infernal Device from the roof and the replacing of it by a Solar PV system to generate electricity for household use. The original Infernal Device over-pressurised and exploded last April
, and that was, for us, the final straw. We are getting 12 panels – the new models are more efficient than the old ones you see in a typical 16 panel array – and we hope, fingers crossed, we will make a decent saving from our annual bill. We aren’t getting battery storage as that would nearly double the cost (!) but technology is improving and we might later if the price comes down. We can also export surplus electricity to the grid for a paltry quarterly payment, but there are multiple administrative hoops to be jumped through before we can do this, not least installing a smart meter. We’ll look at it once we’re up and running. Are we throwing yet more good money after bad? I don’t know, but at least they have promised it won’t explode! 
Shaftesbury itself was very interesting. It was the first time we’d been up there since Covid struck. Pre-Covid, if you weren’t in the main car park by 10:00, you’d be lucky to get a spot. Last Tuesday, we arrived at 9:45 and it was virtually deserted. And so was the town.
A number of key shops in the High Street closed during the pandemic; the place has a slightly forlorn look now. Tellingly, there was no evidence of tourists looking at Gold Hill or the Abbey – no coaches in the car park. That could well be down to both Brexit and Covid; Dorset County Council hiking parking charges probably hasn’t helped either. The pedestrianisation of the High Street (a measure introduced during Covid because of narrow pavements and social distancing) seems to have now been abandoned. We came away actually thinking that Gillingham, our town, looked more thriving and prosperous that its more illustrious neighbour.We did visit Boots and managed to buy a replacement hot water bottle for the Ostrich, at an extortionate price of £13.99
. That’s because we have had a series of cheapo “Cassandra” (made in China) ones from the pharmacy which have only lasted less than a couple of years, if that, before bursting. Not good. The Boots brand “Wasserbottles” are made in Germany and we have never had a problem with them. So to the opening footie fixture of the 2022/23 season, and a return visit to the village of Heytesbury in Wiltshire.
No real changes to this attractive ground have taken place since my last visit more or less a year ago, but parking in the road outside the ground is now a bit more restricted (I think the locals have been complaining!
), but you can still park easily on the main drag through the village. And there is a plastic net “canine control barrier” now behind the near goal, which I think is aimed at a regular attendee, an over-exuberant collie-type, who is absolutely fixated by the action and follows every bit of play with complete intensity. Lovely dog, well-behaved, and I’ve never seen him encroach the actual field of play, but he tends to fix the opposition goalkeeper with a totally un-nerving stare, enough to put anyone off their stride! Plenty of benches dotted around the pitch, but it was hot out there in the sun, and most folk stayed firmly in the shade of the numerous trees surrounding the ground. Heytesbury’s opponents, Park United, based at Stanley Park on the outskirts of Chippnum, were playing their first ever senior game, having just been accepted into the Trowbridge & District League Division 2. A stern test against the Division 1 hosts, but Heytesbury looked a bit rusty (understandably) in the first half and it was 1-1 at the interval, Park having equalised from close range with the last kick of the half after Heytesbury had opened the scoring on 35m, a long ball in from the right finishing in the back of the net; unclear if anyone got a touch to it.
Heytesbury notched their game up a gear in the second half, regained the lead on 50m, and then scored another five as Park wilted in the heat. The final 3 goals, all clinically put away, came in a three minute burst, (83m > 86m). The final result was a shade flattering to the home team; 4-1 might perhaps have been more appropriate. More importantly, I successfully negotiated my 95th consecutive game without a goalless draw, and hope I’ve chosen my Pre-Season Friendlies cannily enough to reach the never-before-achieved magic ton. Vic, suffice it to say, Yeovil Town do not feature on my itinerary ….
09/07/22: Pre-Season Friendly
Heytesbury 7 Park United 1
Refreshments available from the Hospitality Hut (tea, bikkits) by donation. The Ostrich gronffed two digestives, two shortbreads and a slice of jammy Victoria Sponge,
and I made him put £3 in the Honesty Box. I also visited the Angel In pre-game, (the last “n” had fallen off ), which is just over the road from the ground, for a lime and lemon, ice and slice, costing me £2.70. I did take a peek at the lunch menu as it’s a nice pub, but you wouldn’t get away with anything less than £35 for 2 folk, and that’s just mains and coffee, I’m afraid. Sign of the times ..... Attendance: 11 + a gaggle of under 8’s. No dogs today!
