Ostrich on the Hoof

[TheOstrich]

What better way to get away from all the political shenanigans on Tuesday than a quick evening jaunt “up the hill” to Shaftesbury for a Wessex League Cup tie. And despite the fact that it bucketed down with rain for most of the first half, quite an enjoyable encounter ensued against Eastleigh-based AFC Stoneham.

I haven’t been to Shaftesbury’s soccer ground for a while now, but it was the same old procedure, park up by the Sports Club and Bar (virtually deserted) and head over to Tescos for a quick browse round the shelves as the football club never open their gates until about ¼ hour before the game – not that there was exactly a crush for this one as very few punters turned up in the soggy weather conditions. Nevertheless, although it’s a bit of a “tin pot cup competition” both sides gave it their best shot in the circumstances with plenty of end-to-end stuff and more than a few sliding tackles on the wet surface

The Rockies aren’t having a particularly good season both on and off the pitch, where their slightly dubious scheme to turn half their car-park into a car hand-wash franchise has not exactly found favour with the Town Council’s Planning Committee. Especially as the latter own it. AFC Stoneham, however, are doing somewhat better in the League, and are looking forward to occupying their new ground shortly, although opening has apparently been delayed because there’s no electricity yet, SSE having failed to build the necessary nearby substation. This will be the ground where – I think I’ve mentioned this before – every player, official and crucially spectator, will have to register online with the Hants FA to obtain a personal QR code just to get into the damn place, so it’s not likely the Ostrich will ever visit the stadium, as the bird can’t cope with such new-fangled techno-skulduggery.

Although a goalless draw and a penalty shootout to decide the tie looked on the cards right up to the 80th minute, Stoneham sneaked a last-gasp win when the home keeper dropped a cross and substitute Tom Hogan jabbed it home. An always watchable game despite the cold, miserable conditions.

25/09/19 – Wessex League Cup Round 2: Shaftesbury 0 AFC Stoneham 1
Admission: £4, no programme (not unexpected for such a cup game).
Refreshments: I have learnt to avoid their flaky sausage rolls, the only hot food on offer.
Attendance: 26

So to Saturday, and after a number of long journeys in recent weeks, I had been contemplating yet another trip “Up the Smoke” today, this time to see London Scottish RFC who play in Richmond, but an increasingly apocalyptic series of weather forecasts led to Ossie putting discretion before valour, and staying reasonably local. So after consulting the runes, it was off on a 40 mile car journey into deepest Wiltshire and the town of Devizes. I had thought about a trip to Salisbury, but the clincher against that was the closure of the main road through Shaftesbury affecting my return journey – it’s carnival night there, and unfortunately I think it’ll have been a bit of a wash-out.

Devizes RFC were entertaining Bath-based Combe Down, a club I hadn’t previously seen. The latter had made a strong start to the season, unbeaten after two games, whilst Devizes, the “Saddlebacks”, had started with a good win over Thatcham but lost in a bruising encounter at Grove last Saturday.

Devizes’ ground is just outside the town centre on the Marlborough road, next door to the Wiltshire Police headquarters. It’s a multi-purpose sports club with a cricket pitch and umpteen smart hard tennis courts, and the V-shaped clubhouse sits in the middle of the complex. It must have at least 150 solar panels on the roof, which I presume is a nice little earner! Like Rosslyn Park last week, the interior furnishings are rather spartan, not many places to sit and relax, although there were some benches on the veranda outside, which also provided a bit of welcome cover when the rain showers set in.

Although the scoreline was very similar to last Saturday, this was certainly a more watchable game, largely for its comic elements in the first half, and ill-disciplined second half which saw Combe Down down to 13 men at the end, having run out of available substitutes for injuries and then having a player sin-binned, and Devizes down to 14 men after a straight red card for O’Connor for a reckless tackle, although it did seem a bit of a harsh decision to me. Devizes’ early kicking for touch was sometimes wayward to put it mildly, the ball confusing the heck out of Combe Down by often swerving unexpectedly back into midfield , and Devizes also seemed to have got the art of the “hospital pass” down to a fine art, their full back certainly less than amused with his team-mates as he clambered upright having been sat on by a few opposition heavies .

The first half saw relentless pressure from both sides but the only two tries were notched by the home side. On the stroke of half-time, Combe Down kicked a long range penalty to make the score 14-3. After the break, the away side quickly scored and converted a try, but 14-10 was as good as it got for them; Devizes’ tenacity kept on forcing them into defensive errors, and they soon built up an unassailable lead to leave Combe Down effectively dead and buried.

28/09/19 – Wadworth 6X Southern Counties South (Level 7): Devizes RFC 45 Combe Down RFC 10
Admission: free
Programme; £3, match-specific 28pp effort, see below
Refreshments: 2 chicken pasties, £2 each. Small but perfectly formed …..
Attendance: 108

The programme. Completely off the wall! More like a good old-fashioned university rag mag than a rugby programme Mostly unrepeatable on a family forum, these are about the only three gems I can provide without exciting the Moderators:

“As David Cameron reveals juicy details about his forthcoming book in an attempt to boost sales, Waterstones confirms pre-orders have doubled - they’ve just received a second one!”
“Convert your sofa into a sofa bed - by forgetting your wife’s birthday ….”
“After Border Patrol captures 86 people trying to cross the English Channel in small dinghies, Sajid Javid warns that many more Tory MPs may try to escape.”

[miasmum]

Attendance 26....bless them, bet they were all family members. Not sure about a personal QR code, is that one of those weird looking squares? And what is wrong with their flakey sausage rolls, personally I likes a flaky sausage roll.

I think an ostrich would make a good addition to a carnival personally, even a soggy ostrich.

I'm glad you enjoyed your Saturday out and two chicken pasties

We won today 4-1 Shame it wasn't 4-0 as that would have meant breaking our record for the longest stint of clean sweeps, 6 in a row.

Still unbeaten and to be 4-1 up, I said on the Ipswich forum, I've never felt this relaxed on a Saturday afternoon during the footie season

Take care Ostrich x

[Ally]

Great read Ossie.

[cromwell]

Good jokes too!

[TheOstrich]

Not sure about a personal QR code, is that one of those weird looking squares?

Yes, it is. I think because the stadium complex is run by the Hants FA and lots of kids will train / play there, it's a safe-guarding measure, i.e. they know exactly who is on campus there at any point in time.
I can see their reasoning especially in the light of recent sports coach abuse cases, but it does seem pretty draconian to me.

And what is wrong with their flakey sausage rolls, personally I likes a flaky sausage roll.

The crumbs gets in yer feathers ……

[TheOstrich]

Good jokes too!

It must rank in the Top 5 of the most Surreal programmes I've ever obtained for my collection! I couldn't possibly repeat the joke about the seagull, or pass on to you the details of the bargain £5 offer for a date with the home team's Number 8 …..

[miasmum]

Good jokes too!

It must rank in the Top 5 of the most Surreal programmes I've ever obtained for my collection! I couldn't possibly repeat the joke about the seagull, or pass on to you the details of the bargain £5 offer for a date with the home team's Number 8 …..

Wish our programmes offered a £5 date with our number 8. I quite like Cole Skuse

As for pastry in yer feathers, roll in the dust and have a shake. That’s what my girls used to do

[TheOstrich]

A few weeks ago, Mrs O and her S decided to get together and make some apple and tomato relish. Mrs O had got hold of a recipe from some arty-tarty colour supplement or other, and Ossie was sent out to the supermarket to buy in the various ingredients . Trouble is, the bird is a bit cavalier when it comes to weights and measures and in a fit of exuberance, managed to buy double the quantities he should have . As a penance, he was then set the task of chopping, peeling and generally preparing the produce, so all Mrs O and S had to do was have a natter and a cuppa tea, and stir the witches' cauldron whenever they felt like it. Although the recipe said you should get 12 jars of relish (so Ossie’s quantities pointed to at least 15 – 20, in the event - and rather strangely - they only managed to fill 6 jam-jars and a small French-mustard sized taster pot that Mrs O gave to her S.

This week, we learned that Mrs O’s S had entered the taster pot in her local village fete – and it had won First Prize for home-made chutneys! Ossie put it down to his expertly-diced Bramleys …. indeed, it is a very nice relish, but perhaps a little over-sweet for the bird’s taste; however, we must not detract from the ladies’ success , and perhaps they will go into full production next year!

To Saturday, and a very early start, up at the crack of dawn, but only because we were scheduled to have the flu jabs down at the town surgery at 8:30. We got there 10 minutes early and they’d already started, all very slick and in and out inside 5 minutes. Ossie had his pulse tested to make sure he wasn’t dead, as apparently they’re a bit short of vaccine this year and couldn’t afford to waste any . They had just enough to cover today’s clinic, I was told, and there is only one more clinic scheduled, in 3 weeks’ time. So I am not sure how they intend to roll out the vaccinations across the broad population in view of the shortages, including schoolchildren, but then again I think the children get a nasal spray, so presumably a different thing?

And following the jabs, another fun day out for the Ostrich, courtesy of South Western Railway. Everybody was lauding that Dina Asher-Smith for winning gold in the 200 metre sprint early in the week; well, I can tell you that record lasted only 4 days before Ossie beat it by a country mile, but more of that anon …

I have, with two old school pals, been trying to arrange a reunion at a soccer match for the last 18 months or so, and today was supposed to be out latest attempt – but no trains between Basingstoke and London left us with only one suitable venue, a club called Hartley Witney quite close to the former, but in the event, “The Row’s” home league fixture was called off a couple of weeks ago due to FA Cup commitments taking priority. So with that a non-starter, I decided to head west.

Arriving at the station in good time for the 11:17, the display boards gave no indication of any problems, so I bought my tickets to Newton Abbot. Dave the Booking Clerk muttered as he handed me the paperwork:
“The 10:17’s probably going to be on Platform 2 …”
“Right,” I said, puzzled; it was actually 10:50. I walked onto the platform and found all the displays had changed to "Cancelled"! Back to the booking office:
“What the ‘eck’s going on, Dave, everything’s now saying cancelled – have you got problems again today?”
“Yes,” was the laconic reply as a Salisbury bound train arrived, completely out of sequence, in the aforementioned Platform 2. And sat there.

Actually, that’s a good sign at our station. It’s a passing loop, so it meant an Exeter train was definitely on its way down the single line.
“We’ve been waitin’ here two hours now, ” grumbled two old ladies on the platform, “it ‘ad better be comin’”
“Oh good Lord ,” I thought.

When a platform train display shows "Cancelled", it doesn't necessarily mean that it is Cancelled. What I think it means is that the boys and girls in Basingstoke Signalling Control don't quite know where it is. And indeed, the "Cancelled" 10:17 then turned up in Platform 1 running 45 minutes late, and according to the guard the problem was that the signals controlling the entrance to the single line outside Salisbury had completely failed. And that the train I was on would be terminated short at Exeter Central – however, I needed to get to Exeter St.Davids for my Newton Abbot train. Planning on the hoof, I thought I’d better cut short the Newton Abbot trip as I was concerned about getting back in the evening, but no, two cheery information-point staff at Exeter Central told me that the signalling problem had been “sorted” and everything was now running normally.

“So I’ll have no problem getting back from Newton Abbot tonight then?”
“Everything should be absolutely fine, sir”
“So why did you both cross your fingers when you said that?”

I caught the local stopper down to St David’s and carried on to Newton Abbot, in the company of two worried Canadian tourists trying to get to Buckfast Abbey and not entirely convinced they were on the right train. I reassured them they were.

At Newton Abbot, it was raining. It shouldn’t have been raining. The forecast said it wouldn’t be raining. The whole point of me going to Newton Abbot was that the forecast had said it wouldn’t be raining. But it was flippin’ well raining. Buts it’s only a half mile or so from station to ground, so I trundled off down the main road into the town centre. Half way down, ambling along and window-gazing, I suddenly realised that I’d been surrounded by a large group of young men in tracksuit and trainers. A bit non-plussed, I risked a casual glance at them, and burst out laughing:
“Are you guys Marjon?”
“Yes”
“Brilliant – I’ve come to see you play!”
It was the Plymouth Marjon FC team, who’d arrived at the station just after me and were also walking to the ground. We had a good chat on the way. The name comes from Plymouth Marjon University, one of the newer establishments but quite well thought of. Alumni include Helen Glover, the London 2012 Olympic gold medallist rower, Joy Carroll, one of the first female Anglican priests and the inspiration behind “The Vicar of Dibley”, and Bob Brunning, who was a founder-member of Fleetwood Mac, apparently.

The Recreation Ground in Marsh Road is a bit basic, but has a well-appointed clubhouse in which I was able to watch the end of Brighton’s demolition of Tottenham on the wide-screen. There are only two small stands around the pitch, one behind each goal, but as there’s an adjacent cricket field, the whole campus was open and airy, with attractive views across the town, which is (I hadn’t realised) actually quite hilly.

The game pitted Newton Abbot Spurs, who are up at the top end of the table, and the afore-mentioned Plymouth Marjon, who aren’t. We had a very even first half-hour with plenty of heat and light, largely in midfield though, but eventually the Spurs found a weakness on the right side of Marjon’s defence, exploited it through winger Toby Pullman, and scored two goals in four minutes. The Marjon manager, who had been loudly micro-managing his team’s game from the touchline, went into a complete sulk and wasn’t heard from again.

After the interval, Newton Abbot quickly doubled their advantage, their third goal being direct from a corner (I can’t remember the last time I saw one of they), before Marjon pulled a goal back with a speculative 40 yarder that the home keeper fumbled and allowed to drop into his net. The game rather petered out after that, but Spurs added a fifth goal in injury time to complete the rout.

Back to the station, and an unexpected bonus – a 17:04 Cross Country train from Plymouth to Leeds, first stop Exeter St Davids – that hadn’t featured in my original planning. This got me into St Davids at 17:23, giving me a two minute connection with the 17:25 train back to Dorset. You know, when the signs on the stairs say “Keep Left”, it really is advisable to keep to the left. That way, you won’t get trampled underfoot by a Bellowing Ostrich (genus: struthio reboare mugitibus ) attempting the dash between Platform 5 and Platform 1 in gold award record time. Duly accomplished, and no sympathy for the backpacker who didn’t heed the warning and was left in a traumatised heap ….

05/10/19 – South West Peninsula League Premier East (Step 6): Newton Abbot Spurs 5 Plymouth Marjon 1
Admission: £4, free programme (28pp, very much a home production!)
Refreshments: 2 x buns and a J2) in the clubhouse. Chicken and stuffing, and cheese with red onion, since you ask …
Attendance: 73

[Ally]

Oh Ossie!

Well done Mrs O and her home made chutney.

Nice try with the expertly diced Bramley Ossie....but don't even try and stick your beak in on these matters. Your dear wifey won fair and square! #chutneyqueen

Your reports are getting better and better.....such a treat to sit and read.

[cromwell]

Chutney King!
I'll never know how you master the trains Os, it would properly scramble my head trying.
Walking to the ground? No wonder they lost!
Great read.