It's Murder, On The Orient Express ....

[cromwell]

Twenty quid to watch Yeovil!!......faints
And then to have a bad cup of coffee as well.

The non-league match sounds way better value Os, in all respects.

[TheOstrich]

01/09 – An absolutely horrendous drive down to the county town last Sunday; torrential rain with the occasional bout of monsoon. The roads were flooded even before I left Gillingham, and by Shaftesbury I was questioning my sanity, but I plugged onwards, and eventually the rain eased ever so slightly into a heavy downpour. Parking up at Dorchester Town’s ground, I got soaked just locking up the car, and that was under trees, before sprinting the 150 yards or so to Tescos next door for some therapeutic shopping (5 tins of Vegetable Curry ).

Yeovil Town Ladies finished well bottom of the FA Women’s Super League Division 1 last year, with only 2 points from 18 games, and there was some doubt whether they would be allowed to retain their “franchise”, as to do so, they had to go from part time to full time professional. That costs a lot of money, and unlike other clubs such as Everton or Chelsea, Yeovil Ladies receive no financial help from their parent club. But somehow, they managed to find the sponsorship and persuade the FA to agree to them retaining their status, so they are starting the 2018/19 season with a brand new squad of players – and a new ground, as Yeovil Town told them they had to go find another home. Thankfully, Dorchester Town, who during this close season have replaced their grass with a spanking new 3G artificial pitch, welcomed them with open arms, hence my rain-swept journey! The newly laid pitch looked absolutely pristine, but understandably played a bit slow in the wet …..

What can I say about the game? I’m afraid it was appalling, by any standards. The leisurely pace made an Over 50’s Walking Football team game seem positively frantic. There was very little joined up play, a lot of it was “hoof and hope”. The only real incident in the first half came when Yeovil’s Nicola Cousins’ glancing back-header very nearly wrong-footed Megan Walsh in goal. The second half was winding down to the dreariest of goalless draws when Crystal Palace hit Yeovil with a complete sucker punch, an easy close range header converted by Jordan Butler after the Yeovil defence had palpably failed to clear a bouncing ball in the six yard box. Only then, in the last 5 minutes or so, did we see any sort of urgency from the Yeovil team – and by that time it was far too late.

In fairness to Yeovil, as mentioned above, they have a brand new squad this season, and will need time to gel together, but on this afternoon, I'm sorry to report, I can only say that they were bad, bad, bad.

FA Continental Tyres Cup Group Match (a sort of “League Cup” played before the “League” fixtures start): Yeovil Town Ladies 0 Crystal Palace Ladies 1
Admission: £3 concession. Parking fee £2.
Programme: £3 (16pp glossy printed on card which rapidly turned mushy in the damp. It was overpriced rubbish at £2 last year, now I’m afraid it is even more overpriced rubbish. )
Refreshments: None. I couldn’t be bothered to queue for the hatch in the torrential rain.
Attendance: 301 (announced). Considering the conditions, and the trek down from Yeovil, actually that’s not bad!

To Saturday, and I should have been opening my rugby union season at Maidenhead RFC, but thanks to the continuing Saturday rail strikes, courtesy of the intransigence of the fat-cat South Western Railway barons / Trotskyist militant RMT union leadership (feel free to delete either one according to your own political preference), long distance trips remain off the menu at present, so it was a pleasant drive down to the Black Gold Stadium, Tatnam, Poole, and unlike last season, I didn’t get lost and spend 15 minutes circumnavigating various trading estates before locating the soccer ground. Parking is still available on the Oakdale School car-park, from which it’s a short walk to the stadium, (past suburban houses, in the middle of which I spotted three much older buildings: “Tatnam Farm”, “The Old Forge” and “The Tannery”, no doubt harking back to days of yore before the Borough of Poole came knocking).

With time to kill, I walked south over the railway line into the suburb of Sterte to try and find a food store (none, just a closed Chinese takeaway and a rather strange hairdressers ) then west through a high-rise estate (where I picked up a couple of fir cones for home decoration ) and across a dual carriageway to the Holes Bay Nature Reserve, on the banks of the upper reaches of Poole Harbour, with its excellent views across the water to Twin Sails Bridge and Hamworthy, where Hamworthy United’s floodlights were visible above the trees.

Poole used to have a big old stadium, but the club went through troubled times a number of years ago, and now have a very mundane home. It’s a slightly cramped campus with all the buildings behind one goal, mainly featuring a club shop, a food hatch, and a smallish clubhouse which does get rather crowded. Pitchside, there’s a low-slung seated stand down one touchline and a bit of terracing; that’s about it.

As for the game, it was difficult concentrating on the first 15 minutes or so as the Red Arrows were visibly performing aerobatics off behind the clubhouse end (Bournemouth Air Festival) and other aircraft were “staging” overhead, awaiting their turn to entertain the crowds on the seafront. Overall, it was a fast, free-flowing, end-to-end sort of game in which Poole should really have done better, but despite often good approach work, they were surprisingly hesitant up front. Coupled with this, the Staines defence were easily muscling the home side off the ball, and their keeper, Manny Agboola, looked pretty rock solid. On 37m, a Makhosini Khanye inswinging free kick rattled the home crossbar, but Poole finished the first half quite strongly with a goal chalked off for offside.

Staines took the lead on 63m with a fast break out of defence that put Andre Odetola through on goal and he skilfully lifted the ball over the keeper and into the far corner. Poole pressurised, and tried everything to get back into the game, but a second Staines breakaway goal always looked on the cards, and duly arrived bang on 90m with a fortuitous effort from Andy Ali. A slightly flattering scoreline, but Staines did deserve the win. The match finished with the Poole captain, in the middle of the park, throwing a huge hissy fit at his own front line, and I imagine it might have been quite tasty in the home changing room after the game ….

Evo-Stik League South / Premier South (Step 3): Poole Town 0 Staines Town 2
Admission: £8 concession, programme: £2. (A 44pp glossy effort, good value, lots of colour photos; it would have been nice if they’d included a history of Staines, but that said, they did provide detailed pen-pics for the away squad, something which other clubs often don’t.)
Refreshments: £2.50 for 5 chicken nuggets (no chips! ) and £3 for a bacon roll from the hatch, also £3 for a “Tatnam Treble” , which is a round, mild, whole cheddar cheese they (I assume) sell for club funds. The cheese stall, should you ever go, can be found by the entrance to the pitch …...
Attendance: 362

[Ally]

3 things.

1. Tinned vegetable curry??!! Why? I'm still having therapy from last year's tinned haggis!

2. Fair play to you for going to watch footie in what sounds like the wettest time ever.

3. Please take me to that cheese stall.

Thanks as ever dear Ossie for a most entertaining read.

[TheOstrich]

1). Tescos do their own-brand tinned Vegetable Curry and tinned Vegetable Chilli. Last year, at Tescos Shaftesbury, we bought a couple of tins of both to try them out. The Curry was awful (too strong) but the Chilli was quite nice. However, the next time I went back there, the Chilli was no longer on the shelves and I was told they didn't stock it any more (occupational hazard at most UK supermarkets, Ally, you can guarantee if you find something you like, you'll never see it again ).

Fast forward to last Sunday. Into the (bigger) Tescos in Dorchester, and lo and behold, both Vegetable Curry and Vegetable Chilli were on the shelves. Could I remember which one was quite nice and which one was execrable?
No, I couldn't, and needless to say, I bought the wrong one! Five tins!!

An unimpressed Mrs O said, "What on earth are we going to do with all those …."

Solution: Boil up a whole cauliflower, cut it into half, and serve on a plate surrounded by tinned Vegetable Curry …….

Well, it makes a change from the good ole haggis ….

2). I must be certifiable ….

3). I have the Annual Diabetic Weigh-In* this coming week, and I am trying to lose at least a stone before then (on the cauliflower and curry diet), so I'm not allowed the cheese at present. Mrs O has her eye on it …..

* - last year, I had a stand-off with the diabetic nurse, with both of us accusing each other of having faulty weighting scales. I don't believe hers, and she doesn't believe mine. "For heavens sake," says Mrs O, "just go quietly this year …."

[Kaz]

Good luck at the weigh in Ossie Weighing scales at 50 paces?

Blimey Staines (where I grew up) were a long way from home!

Brief history of Staines? It had one of the first bridges across the Thames, for the Romans. Nothing much happened since, apart from a lino factory, and the humongous George V and Queen Mary reservoirs that serve London! I grew up with the banks of the QMR looming over our back garden! Oh and Ali G, of course

By the way, it is now Staines-Upon-Thames, doncha know?! An attempt to make it dead posh, and an excuse to put up the Council Tax

My boys still live there! Well officially Harry is about 200 yards over the "border" into Egham, but Chris does

[Ally]

It's just me Ossie...I have problems with 'meals in tins'.

Good luck at the weigh-in.

[cromwell]

Good luck at the weigh in Os!

[TheOstrich]

Thanks all for your best wishes regarding tomorrow's "Weigh In".

I have been taking laxatives ….

I can't recall ever visiting Staines as a town, Kaz. I did note the footie club has two swans on their crest so I presumed it must have been on the River Thames. I also presumed it was somewhere just south of Heathrow?

[Kaz]

Yep, the part of Staines I grew up in is now sandwiched between the borders of Heathrow about half a mile away, and those reservoirs. They do the Swan Upping (counting and tagging them) for the Crown, just up the river from Staines, hence the crest.

[TheOstrich]

08/09 – I am pleased to report that the “Great Diabetic Weigh In” was completed successfully, and although the diabetic nurse’s scales produced a reading some 4 pounds heavier than the average of the readings from the TWO weighing machines we now possess at home, taken some 20 minutes earlier, I held my peace, especially at the nurse had remembered that I’d “challenged” the accuracy of her equipment last year! This year’s problem, however, was the blood pressure test …

As she strapped on the gubbins, I cheerfully remarked:
“I know I’ve got highish blood pressure, but I’m confident it should be around the target 140/80 mark.”
“You know they’ve changed the guidelines and it’s now 135/75, don’t you?”
“WHAT! Which beeping NHS wonk decided that? Or is it the $%&£$% Government again? You know you’ve just sent my blood pressure up by 20 points!”
And sure enough, it was 162/84 !!
“Take deep breaths, and we’ll test it again in a couple of minutes time ….”
Thankfully, on a second count, it had gone back down to 137/75.

To Saturday morning, then, and a loud clanking sound echoed round the house as the Ostrich appeared, feathers neatly trimmed, breastplate attached, pike in claw and a coal scuttle on its head.
“What on earth, Ossie?”
“I’m dressed up so that if I meet that Cromwell, he’ll know I’m part of his New Model Army!”
“But why would we be meeting up with Cromwell?”
“Well, you said we were going to visit Bradford Town for the soccer today!”
“Yes but not the Bradford near where Cromwell lives, Ossie, that’s way too far away for us – we’re going to Bradford-on-Avon!”

Bradford-on-Avon is quite an attractive little town, but very hilly, and I know from past experience it’s a bit of a pig to drive through if you’re heading south from Bath. No such trouble today as, for my first visit to the Trowbridge Road ground I didn’t need to go into the town centre. I decided to take a long, circuitous route on the outwards journey via Warminster and the A36 to avoid today’s Frome Agricultural Show, possibly a wise decision as I passed the showground on the way back and got heavily ensnarled in traffic! Entering Bradford on Avon on the B road from Rode, you turn right at the roundabout following signs for the Kennet and Avon Canal, and after crossing over the cut, and continuing on through housing until you come out onto the Trowbridge Road, you then turn left and the ground is a couple of hundred yards down there on the left-hand side. Although I was early, as is my want, I noted that parking inside the ground was tight and I chose my spot carefully to avoid being blocked in; alternatively there’s parking on the main road outside, although it’s not the widest at that point, and clearances were not great. Getting out of the ground back onto the main road after the game wasn't easy!

The football clubhouse is accessed from the end of the carpark, round the back of the portacabins, and down a pathway; it’s shared with the Spencer Moulton Bowls Club. The bar room is slightly dark and functional, but it did have a widescreen, showing the Northern Ireland game played today. Spencer Moulton gives a clue to Bradford on Avon’s history – it had thrived in the 17th and 18th centuries on woollen mills, but in the 19th century, it became the home of Stephen Moulton who was an engineer and inventor, and after doing a deal with a certain Charles Goodyear, brought the first examples of vulcanised rubber over to the UK, set up a factory at Kingston Mill, and started manufacturing rubber suspension products for the carriages of Britain’s burgeoning railway industry. Eventually the company morphed into George Spencer Moulton & Co Ltd., and later the more well-known Avon Rubber.

The pitchside buildings are attractively painted in the club’s two-tone blue colours. The portacabins behind the goal house the changing rooms and tea-hut, whilst down the touchline there’s a basic prefabricated steel stand with decent tip-up seating and some standing accommodation. Next to it are two much older buildings, both shuttered up, the first a raised barn-type wooden construction and the second what might well possibly have been a former clubhouse, no longer in use. And behind the latter you can find one of the gloomiest public urinals I’ve encountered in many a long while …..

A game of two halves, the first quite entertaining, end-to-end stuff, with both sides playing creatively, but the final pass often lacked direction. There were bald patches on the pitch, certainly at one end, and some players did have difficulty controlling the ball at times. Chances abounded at both ends, and the Brislington keeper pulled off one stunning save, leaping to divert round the post a long-range shot bending into the top corner of his net. The goal came on 40m, Josh Witcombe scoring from close range during a goal-mouth scramble in which the away keeper was injured and required a fair bit of treatment – this injury affected his movement and kicking well into the second half, but kudos to him, he soldiered on.

The second half was much more scrappy – Bradford never looked like increasing their lead and the only real question was could Brislington somehow conjure up an equaliser. Despite applying a certain amount of pressure in the last 10 minutes or so, the answer was “no”.

Western League Premier Division (Step 5): Bradford Town 1 Brislington 0
Admission £7 including decent programme and raffle ticket.
Refreshments: £2 for a Diet Coke and a “C/O” bun from the clubhouse, which I correctly deduced was cheese and onion. It was tasty, and I went back at half-time for another, but they only had “H” left.
Attendance: 114