26/01 – after last week’s erudite discourse on weather Apps, Professor Ostrich will today turn his attention to an in-depth examination of Self Service Check-Out Machines.
It is fair to say that there are three main types. Firstly, there are the ones that argue with you. Like Tescos. Have you placed your bag in the bagging area, if not, why not. If you have placed your bag in the bagging area, take it off and put it back on again. Many times. What do you mean, you haven’t got a Clubcard?

Do you want to buy a bag or not. It’s like a particularly perverse police interrogation, and I always leave the store somewhat frazzled ….
Secondly, there are the ones that rook you. Like WH Smiths.
“It’s not given me the right change!”
Yeah, it keeps on doing that. How much are you short?”
“1p”
“Well here’s one from the till”
And the last time it went, it tried to charge me £13.49 for a book that clearly had £8.99 on the cover. OK, it did say “today you have saved £4.50”, but it still seemingly wanted to charge me £13.49. Hmmm, I thought, I’m not committing a £10 note to this thing in the expectation of £1.01 change, because if I do, it might well start demanding an extra £3.49! I abandoned the transaction and went to the till where I happily paid the lesser amount. The machine was plaintively bleating “do you still want to continue this transaction?” at me as I left the store.
And thirdly, there’s the Co-op. When they are actually working (itself a miracle), they are pure Arkwrights Till, straight out of Open All Hours.

Believe me, you insert a note at the grave peril of losing your fingers as the machine’s jaws snatches it from you! Best take the right change …
And there we must leave Professor Ostrich at his podium, and slope quietly out of the Lecture Room, before he declares himself a University, and starts charging us £9000 for tuition fees …..
A conundrum today with the weather forecast predicting a band of rain sweeping from west to east. I’d fancied a rail trip into Devon, and looked carefully at fixtures in Newton Abbot, Teignmouth and Exmouth before plumping for the latter, as the weather app seemed to indicate that the rain would pass through whilst the match was in progress – and so it proved!
An early departure was needed on the 10:17 as this was a 2:15 kick off, so Ossie hared off to the station, only to have to hare back to the nest again as half way there, he found he’d forgotten to leave Mrs O the car keys!

There must have been Karma at play over this sin of omission, as on his second trip down to the station, this time at a gallop, the bird briefly stopped to help a Waitrose delivery lady chase an errant plastic bag which had blown out of her van, and managed to pin it to a neighbouring thorn bush. Unfortunately, Ossie also managed to pin himself to the thorn bush, finishing up with a punctured thumb!
Arrival at the station was made in good time, one of the bird’s Delay Repay vouchers arising from the Barnes RFC fiasco earlier in the season being duly cashed in making the cost of today’s rail trip under a tenner, and all proceeded smoothly to Exeter Central where a change of train was required. There were so many folk disembarking there (it’s ideal for the shops) that there were queues up the steps to the overbridge and it took Ossie about 5 minutes to transfer to the eastbound platform. The connection was nevertheless made, but the Ostrich was slightly alarmed when the Train Display Indicator started declaring that the 11:53 to Exmouth was on time but “is reported as being full and standing”!

Thankfully, when it arrived, just about everybody on board disembarked from it, and I should imagine the shops on Exeter High Street had a pretty good day today!
Arrival at Exmouth, and Ossie had a pressing engagement! Our bird was not off to the soccer ground but to Krispies!

That’s right, Krispies – just voted the 2019 Winners of the National Fish and Chip Shop of the Year!
https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/uk/foo ... p-shop-uk/It’s in the main street running north from the town centre, and when I got there, it was positively heaving! One guy taking orders and cash, and issuing ticket numbers, three servers making up the orders and calling the numbers out, and at least two chefs behind the fish fryers. Actually, all very efficient, although I did have a short wait as they’d run out of Large Cod. A large cup bedecked in ribbons was on display over the Chicken Nuggets, and I had a pleasant exchange with the lady pictured in the link, who I presume was Mrs Kelly Barnes and served Ossie with his takeaway. The bird then repaired to a quiet bench up by the soccer ground to partake of his feast, and very nice it was too! Very much like the traditional fish and chips I recall you used to get back in the 1960’s when Ossie was a fledgling – chunky (but not too chunky) chips, lightly fried so the inner potato was soft and tasty, and a large portion of crispy, lightly battered cod. Well recommended if you’re ever in the area.
I took a stroll down the Exe Estuary Trail, which would have been slightly more interesting if you could actually see the estuary, before returning to Exmouth Town’s Southern Road ground for the game. It’s an attractive venue, with the pitch surrounded by a breeze-block and cement wall rather than railings, and a collection of rather eccentric outbuildings and stands of varying age and description. The Club apologised for the lack of hot food as they were in the process of gutting and re-equipping the existing kitchen, but hot drinks were available. Accessing the clubhouse, I noticed a tambourine hanging from a hook by the entrance.

Next to it was a Health and Safety notice that said “Fire Precautions – in the event of a fire, shake the tambourine placed by each door” to sound the alarm and evacuate the building!
Exmouth are having a good season, currently third, but have a little bit of ground to make up on second-placed Tavistock. In contrast, North Cornish team Launceston are second from bottom, although they do have a few games in hand over the other teams nearby.
The home side appeared not to have been the happiest of bunnies at conceding a last minute goal in the 1-1 draw against St Austell last week, so they set off today looking as if they had a point to prove. They were ahead on 6m when Jordan Harris looped a header over the keeper, and spent the next 15 minutes snapping like terriers at their opponents. Launceston did give them a slight fright, rattling the crossbar from a direct free kick on 24m, but it was it was a mild surprise that Exmouth didn’t increase their lead before half-time. After the interval, however, two identical goals, scored on 48m and 55m by their centre forward (with the somewhat amazing name of Ace High – whatever were Mr and Mrs High thinking!

), both free headers from corner kicks, put the game out of Launceston’s reach, and Dan Bore converted a right wing cross which the keeper failed to cut out on 83m to complete the rout.
The rain had started spitting down in the first half, but then the wind picked up and we had about 20 minutes of monsoon conditions before a band of blue shy appeared in the west, the clouds cleared and the sun came out for the last 10 minutes. Unfortunately, we in the stand finished up looking right into the setting sun, and I thought given the conditions, there must be a vivid rainbow on view behind us. Indeed there was – you can see a pic on Exmouth’s Twitter feed below:
https://twitter.com/ExmouthTown_FCYou can also see the Ostrich slumped in the middle of the stand ….. it had bucket seats that were more bucket than seat, so it was a somewhat laid-back bird!
South West Peninsula League Premier Division (Level 6): Exmouth Town 4 Launceston 0
Admission: £4 (oldie concession).
Programme: £1.50 (16pp glossy, a little basic but adequate enough)
Refreshments: Krispies – Large cod, lemon slice, regular traditional chips, salt and pepper: £8.70, and at Exeter St. Davids station on my return, a cup of something from Starbucks that was not filter coffee as per my request because it was “off”, but what I actually got, I‘m not entirely sure

: £1.95.
Attendance: around 100