Thousands of acres of good arable land go under this disgusting crop every year. Once harvested these hideous orange blobs are sold to gullible parents who hollow them out and cut scary faces in them so that a candle shines through. Horrible children dressed head to toe in plastic bat's wings, spider's webs and pointy hats then drag them round the houses begging for sweets.
The flatulence inducing gunk that was once inside orange crust is then rendered down in the home's largest pan to form a slurry. This is then left for a few days till it solidifies and becomes a breeding ground for moulds and fungi at which point it is chiselled out and thrown on the compost.
It is getting darker now and the local Co-op will soon be starting its annual pumpkin sale extravaganza - BOGOF.
I don't even want ONE! Why would I buy one to get another for nothing? Right. I am shutting the doors, drawing the curtains and pinning my own BOG-OFF note to the gate.