The Saturday Afternoon Matinee...7th, June

[1nicebloke]

The V-V Saturday Afternoon Matinee, is today offering a trial showing of another old B-movie and Sci-Fi favourite..

Sit back in your seats as we dim the house lights and bring you……

‘BAR TREK’

(Rated PG)

Some of the audience may recall a few of the cast’s names from years ago…

Ladies and Gentlemen…do please refrain from chucking empty ice-cream tubs, lolly sticks and toffee wrappers about during the showing, thank you.

HOUSE NOTICE..
Gentlemen, any pinching of the usherette’s or the confectionery tray ladies bottom, while the house lights are down, will be severely frowned upon!…..


BAR TREK.....


We join the crew of the newly commissioned star ship “ Nonenterprise “ as it waits in stationary orbit above the planet Earth. It’s mission to seek out new beers and wines to replenish Earth’s dwindling supplies,( the crew having drunk most of it themselves ).

Lulu ,the Helmsperson has chosen this particular area in space above the Earth because she calculated that it was the best position to launch the mission from and not only that but she could use the ship’s sensors to look down on ‘that woman’ at number 32 and see just what she was getting up to with the milkman.

Captain Kink ,strode silently onto the bridge, ( he strode silently because he still had his slippers on having just got out of bed ), he was closely followed by ,Bluey, the Communications Officer , who was frantically rearranging her uniform and hair while trying to straighten up her lippy which strangely was the same shade as that on, Captain Kink’s face!. “All present and correct ,Captain “, said ,Mr Speck ,the staggeringly good looking Science Officer; ”We await your command”……with that ,Captain kink, sprung to his feet, and then had to sit down again because his head was still spinning from the events of last night with the Communications Officer in his cabin ,( vital work for the mission ,he claimed ). After several mugs of strong black coffee ,he was able to address the crew. “We all know our mission is vitally important to the well being of the human race ,that is why you have all been specially selected to undertake this mission ,not only that but you have all been barred from every pub and club on the planet Earth , so as to help preserve the remaining stocks of beers, wines and spirits that there is”.

The Captain then gave the order for ,Lulu, to head out on their pre set course at full speed…
After about five minutes of everyone looking intrepidly out of the forward observation port ,they suddenly realised that they were not moving. “ I think we have a problem with the ships experimental warped-drive engines “, said ,Mr Speck,……”Call ,Scatty, and find out if there is anything wrong with the ,Blue Sapphire Crystal ,which provided the ship’s power “. Scatty, reported back that nothing was wrong , apart from a stowaway she had discovered who called herself ,Fudgie, and was dealing with her as they spoke.
“ Check the ship’s warped-drive status ,Lulu “,said the Captain ,to which ,Lulu, realised that she had not actually switched it on ,”Umm….do you mean this orange flashing button thingy……I thought there was something wrong when I took the handbrake off and nothing happened “,said ’Lulu’ ,with that she hit the button and floored the accelerator to which the star-ship suddenly took off at top speed ,like a shot from a gun…,the crew were thrown flat up against the walls and whatever was behind them at the time, Bluey, was squashed up against the Captain ,whilst ,Mr Speck, was pressed up against ,6 of 10,who had just stepped onto the bridge to find out what the problem was…

[1nicebloke]

Lulu ,was pressed up on the ceiling and I cannot tell you were the choc ice she was eating at the time ended up! . The whole crew after having been rendered unconscious by the sudden burst of speed ,were slowing getting back on their feet when ,Captain Kink, who already having had the Communications Officer wrapped around him ,was knocked off his feet again by ,Lulu, ..Eeeeeek!….Thud!, as she came down from the ceiling ,” Oooppps!, sorry about that Captain “ ,said ,Lulu, ”anybody know exactly where we are?……,where has the bluey green planet gone?”……”I think she means ‘Earth’ “,said ,6 of 10, “and by the way ,you can stop pressing up against me now ,Mr Speck , the ship is no longer accelerating “.

Lulu, looked out of the ship’s main view port and announced that she was totally lost as she could not see the bluey-green planet ,(Earth ),or the little planet made out of cheese,( The Moon ),and there was no sign of that big red one where they make those chocolate bars,( Mars ),plus the really pretty one with the rings around it ,( Saturn ), was nowhere to be seen , in fact none of the stars and planets were on her charts….

Just then ,Scatty, called up from the engine room,” The warped drive is shot to pieces ,Captain…..and the Blue sapphire is completely drained…..I can’nay fix it “ .This was all too much for, Captain kink, who announced he was going to have a lay down on his bunk in his cabin ,the Communications Officers eyes lit up when she heard this, and she made an excuse to leave the bridge shortly after the Captain left.

Meanwhile down in the sickbay ,the doctor and his faithful nurse ,Tucheyfeely, were patching up the rest of the crew who had suffered cuts and bruises during the white knuckle ride across the galaxies,” I cannot understand why most of the patients are male ,and insist that you treat them ,nurse……what have you got that I have not?” ,said the Doctor ………”and you call yourself a doctor? “, said ,Tucheyfeely, with a wink.

Mr .Jango, head of ship’s security ,was getting a little impatient with the lack of order and the chaos on the bridge at the moment ,so decided to get suited up and go for a space walk outside and check things over himself . Whilst outside the ship a strange looking green alien floated up to him and gave him a wink…..‘well, it is obviously female’, thought ,Mr Jango to himself…..I wonder why she keeps waving that empty glass at me and pointing in that direction?, I had better take her on board to see if we can communicate with her.
Back on board the ship there was some hope raised as ,Scatty, had rigged up a pedal powered generator ,which after a whole lot of arguing she had got the stowaway ,Fudgie, to pedal and supply some extra power for the bridge…..this was short lived though because when ,Bluey, went and plugged in her heated hair rollers the lights dimmed down again..…..

[1nicebloke]

“Right!…….Just who was responsible for that mad burst of speed and the sudden stop?…..the ship’s gardens are all over the place”, yelled ,Elsa, as she stormed onto the bridge in a rage, Elsa, was a shape shifting alien and had already transformed herself into her favourite form of a lioness ready to bat someone around the ear with one of her large paws.

“Erm…you had best see the Captain “ ,said ,Lulu,…..“it was nothing to do with me…honest”

“And just where is the Captain “,said Elsa…..
”He is working on the problem with the Communications Officer in his cabin at the moment”, replied ,Mr Speck, “I think they must be getting near to a answer because there was a lot of giggling coming from the Captain’s Cabin when I passed by it a moment ago“.

Meanwhile down in the ship’s surgery ,the doctor was examining the friendly green alien which ,Mr Jango, had invited onboard ,” as far as I can tell she is in perfect health ,but seems to have a permanent thirst ,perhaps that is why she is carrying two pint glasses in each hand ……..I have tried giving her water and such but she keeps spitting it out….and why she keeps pointing out of the view-port in that direction is a mystery “.

Back on the bridge ,Captain Kink, had returned with ,Bluey, in tow, ”give me a status report”, he said……
Mr. Jango, replied that a friendly alien had been brought on board who may be able to help tell them where they were, and that ,Scatty, was doing a brilliant job getting power restored via the, Fudgie, powered pedal generator ,and also she,(Scatty), had rigged up a make shift aerial out of old coat hangers, so they had limited communications ,(the proper dish aerial gizmo having been ripped off when the star ship took off suddenly at top speed),….
”But we do have a internal communications problem”, continued ,Mr Jango,…..,“Lulu, is refusing to speak to ,Mr Speck, until he explains what he was doing pressed up against ,6 of 10, like that…..and also while they were on the subject ,why are his eyes always glued to the Communications Officer’s thigh boots ,when she is on the bridge?……”

“I think we have enough power to slowly move the ship, but no warped-drive”, reported ,Scatty, from the engine room…
“Great……now all we need is heading to steer to “,said ,Captain kink, with that ,Mr Jango, told the captain about how the friendly green alien kept pointing frantically in one certain direction.
So with the alien now sitting outside on the front of the star-ship and giving directions ,they slowly set off….

[1nicebloke]

“I can see a flashing sign up ahead ,captain……and the alien is going bonkers ,gesturing to me to stop”, said ,Lulu,…….As the star-ship drew closer the crew were stunned to see it was a massive intergalactic pub equipped space station floating right in the middle of nowhere.” How on earth did the alien know this was here?”, said ,Captain Kink,………”I think she has some natural instinct”, said ,Mr Speck,….”Just look at her jumping up and down with her tongue hanging out of her head! “.

So with the friendly alien as their guide the entire crew ,(except ,Mr Speck, and ,6 of 10,), went down to investigate the space station and of course it’s massive pub; ( Mr Speck, said that he and ,6 of 10, had some really important experiments to try out in the lab….but, not mention it to ,Lulu,. ).

Down in the gigantic saloon bar of the pub, things started getting a little out of hand as nobody had taken a blind bit of notice of ,Captain Kink‘s, orders to discreetly blend in and mingle.

Elsa, had already changed her form on three separate occasions and decked some alien types who had made improper suggestions to her .
Lulu,.. ,Scatty, and ,Fudgie, were trying to drink one another under the table, knocking back pints of what the locals called “Galactic Rocket Fuel”,(one sip and you will be out of this world ) ,the friendly green alien was drinking anything she could lay her hands on ,whilst ,Bluey ,had jumped up on the bar and was introducing everyone there to that quaint old Earth custom of, ’Pole Dancing’…….

“It ‘s this local brew effecting everyone ,captain”, said ,Mr Jango,….”No wonder they call it rocket fuel….I discovered from one of the robots serving at the bar that it is actually called ,‘Deadly Blue Sapphire‘ ,and you should never bring a naked flame near it”.

That night after the crew had been thrown out and they had all staggered back to their cabins on the star-ship, the captain came up with an idea which he put to ,Scatty, in the morning ,(not that she was in a listening mood with the whopper of a hangover she had)…..The captain’s idea was to use the local brew, ‘liquid Blue Sapphire’ instead of the solid ‘Blue Sapphire Crystal’ ,to power up the Warped-drive and get them back home.

The captain and Scatty’s, conversation was suddenly interrupted by a loud commotion coming from the sick bay..
Upon investigation it was discovered that, Lulu, had gone there to get something for her hangover and she had walked-in on ,Mr Speck, trying to cut free the sleeve of his uniform which had somehow become entangled in the zipper on ,6 of 10’s, jump suit!.

[1nicebloke]

After peace and harmony had been restored on board….(Well, erm…,Lulu, had thumped ,Mr Speck, actually), The Captain flew down to see the owner of the intergalactic pub to arrange a deal for as much ’Blue Sapphire’, as he was willing to trade. The owner settled on exchanging the ’Blue sapphire’, for some crates of those really strange looking Earth type vegetables grown by ,Elsa, in the ship’s botanic garden, plus two hours worth of the mad Earth woman in the thigh boots dancing on his bar-top in the evenings.

And so with the friendly green alien directing the star-ship and crew to every known pub ,club and watering hole in the galaxy ,this deal was set up at every port they stopped at .

Moving the ’Blue Sapphire’, on board was a slow task as it was flown up by shuttle and poured ,(carefully),into the star-ship’s converted fuel tanks; the crew could not have the stuff ‘teleported’ aboard because the transporter was commandeered by all the female crew members to beam on board the boxes and boxes of shoes that they picked up in the sales at every place they docked….

The trading went on for many months with the star-ship’s crew earning quite a reputation ,far and wide,( mainly through being barred because of drunken and lewd behaviour), until the day came when the star-ship’s tanks were full.

“Well ,that’s it Captain“, said, Mr Speck, “we are fully fuelled up….it is strange how we set off on this mission to find various replacements for Earth’s dwindling beers and spirits ,and we end up with just one type on board; if we could get rid of some of those boxes of shoes we could have some more room for other beverages to take back with us”.
.
”Okay, you go and mention that to one of the women and see what happens……………..Don’t worry ,I will come and visit you in the sick bay “,Said ,Captain Kink.

Later the captain called his officers together to discuss their next step in getting home to Earth,

“we need to know which direction to point the ship at ,because once we ignite all that ’Blue Sapphire’, we are going to be travelling so fast we will be leaving our fillings behind “ he said ,and with that he pulled out picture of his beloved local pub in Bodmin ,”lets hope I will be sinking a pint again there in the future“………suddenly the friendly green alien snatched the picture out of the captain’s hand.

[1nicebloke]

The alien looked at the picture of the pub on Earth, and then pointed out of the view port at a point in space……..Everybody looked on in amazement, “I think we have our course home “,said ,Mr Speck.
Lulu, manoeuvred the star-ship around until it was lined up on where the alien had been pointing.

“Okay ,Scatty, ignite the engines……hang on to something everybody! “, said ,Captain Kink,……

With that ,Chief Engineer Scatty ,volunteered ,Fudgie, to go and ignite the engines ,”all you have to do is light the blue touch paper and then run for your life”, said ,Scatty,…..

The brave ,Fudgie, put a match to the gallons of ,Blue Sapphire, in the tanks, and with an almighty bang and flash ,the star-ship shot off like a rocket on firework night ,again everything and everyone was flung backwards onto whatever was behind them ,strangely ,Bluey, ended up pressed up against ,Captain Kink, again….,Mr Speck, owing to the fact that ,Lulu, had got out of her seat and had stood directly behind him ,found himself pressed up against her on the rear bridge wall….while ,6 of 10, landed on top of ,Mr Jango, this time………..

After what seemed a very short time ,Lulu, shouted out that she could see the bluey-green planet (Earth), rushing up towards them,” Err.. Did anyone think about how we were going to stop the ship?”, shouted ,Captain Kink,…..
”I have worked out a scientific and technical method with ,Scatty, to halt the ship, Captain”, said ,Mr Speck,……with that ,Mr Speck, told ,Scatty, to execute plan Alpha 7, and down in the engine room ,Scatty, put her foot on the plastic pipe feeding the ‘Blue Sapphire’ into the ships engines and cut the flow off, thus stopping the ship.

“Yayyyy…..we are home”, squealed ,Bluey, as she pulled the heel of her thigh boot out of a rather awkward area on ,Captain Kink,,……..”Oooo… I wonder if the shop’s are open?”……

Suddenly a message from ’Space director general’ ,came in on her panel ,”come in Nonenterprise….is that you?……you have been missing for nearly a year…….where the hell have you been?….

Captain Kink, shoved ,Bluey, off of his lap to take charge and told the ’Director General’, about the “accident” which had catapulted them to an uncharted galaxy, he explained how they could not get in contact with ,Earth, as they had lost the main aerial dish on blast off ,to which the ’Director General’, informed ,Captain Kink, that he knew all about the ,aerial dish, because it had come smack down on top of his greenhouse, which held the prize rose collection ,belonging to his wife!.

[1nicebloke]

Captain Kink, tried to calm down the somewhat irate ‘Director General’, by telling him about the amazing ‘Blue Sapphire’ Drink / Rocket Fuel ,which they had brought back with them….
“But we do not need it now”, yelled the ,Director General,……and he went on to say that a scientist working up in ,Scotland, had found a way of making alcohol out of seawater using a simple process ,so the world shortage had come to an end overnight….he also added that he had sent a urgent message, days before the mission was scheduled to the ’Nonenterprise’, to inform the ship and crew that the mission was cancelled..
“But I received no such message”, said ,Captain Kink,…….it was then ,Bluey, got up off the floor where she had been dropped ,and started rummaging about in the bottom of her shoulder bag ,”hang on, I think I remember something coming in ”, said ,Bluey,……” Oh yer, here it is”, and there in her hand on an electronic notepad, was the order to cancel the mission…Dated almost a year ago!.

I cannot put into words the scene which happened next……..Let me just say that there was a lot yelling and screaming ,and a few heated moments ,until someone peeled ,6 of 10, off of ,Mr Jango, and he waded in to save the Communications Officer from the crew who were just a tad upset!….

The crew have now been stood down while awaiting their next mission ….

Captain Kink ,has had the remaining ’Blue Sapphire’, moved to a underground reservoir beneath his home in ’Bodmin’..
The friendly Green alien resides with him and he lets her do the backstroke in the ’Blue Sapphire’ while drinking as much as she likes, she also likes to run around on ’Bodmin Moor’, generating rumours of a strange beast on the loose ,of which the Captain and her sit and have a good laugh about while getting totally mangled on ’Blue Sapphire’.

Mr Jango, and ,6 of 10,have set up their own private security firm for the rich and famous .

Mr Speck, and Lulu, are still arguing about the matter of just how did ,Mr Speck’s, sleeve become entangled in ,6 of 10’s, zipper.

Scatty and Fudgie, have opened a shoe shop and have become the very best of friends since that moment when ,Scatty, drew some new eyebrows back on ,Fudgie, after she lost hers igniting the ship’s engines…

Bluey, is earning stacks of dosh dancing at some of the off-world bars and clubs they visited on their epic journey.

[1nicebloke]

The Doctor and Nurse ,Tuchyfeely, have set up a vets practice……(much safer for the human race).

Elsa ,Teaches troops how to grow vegetables in the battlefield ,her experience of being thrown around on the star-ship while maintaining the gardens on there has made her highly capable of growing anything ,anywhere!.

THE END ?……

This has been a ,‘Shoestring’ Production , Sponsored by, The East London Nuthouse Co.

The Main Cast….
Mr. Speck / The Doctor………..1Nicebloke..
Lulu / Nurse Tuchyfeely………..Gem.
Captain Kink……………………Shibs.
Communications Officer………..Bluecandle.
The friendly Green Alien……….Esm.
Elsa ,the shape shifter…………..Elsa.
The Stowaway…………………Fudgie.
Chief Engineer Scatty………….Ton.
6 of 10.…………………………Mnemonic.
Mr Jango……………………….Captain Jango.

And a special thank you to all the extras from the Café, who threw themselves about the set during the action scenes.

No animals were harmed during this production, ,unless you want to include my mouse which is plum worn out!…





Well, there you go folks, that is a sample of the mad fun, had on another board; there are other offerings available in the archives, which are 'better'...well, they could not get any worse

If you would like to see more, than just let this kiddy know..

[Diflower]

Please don't be upset at the lack of reaction Nicey
Thing is, how can I put this?
It was, I'm sure, huge fun and brilliantly funny at the time, and it's very cleverly done, but...you see, most people here won't know most/any of the cast/characters, which was largely the point of it I guess
I think for anything similar to mean anything here, you'd need to first need to get to know who is here, and what makes them and the place tick.
And tick it certainly does, but with a much smaller population it naturally ticks at a rather slower pace - although actually, some days it races along
VV is not and never was an imitation dm, it has its own identity that I hope you'll come to appreciate as you get to know it better

[Dippytrout]

Well Nicey don't know about anyone else but really enjoyed that - missed it first time round

And Dill does it really matter if this is a different forum, people may want to partake or not their choice.

If Nicey is good enough to post these old DM sagas for those who wish to partake................................ Carry on

DT