THE DESERT PONG
Once upon a time,there was a far off land where silver stars pricked the blue velvet of the night sky over the sleeping city of Kandibar.
The air was warm and full of spices and here and there lanterns threw their coloured lights from open windows onto the dusty streets. Above the city, high on a hill a palace stood aloof, its minarets gleaming white in the moonlight.
In the tallest tower a lone figure stood at a window. A girl dressed like an extra from a Turkish Delight advert, quietly cried.
Breathing out a large sigh, another crystal teardrop fell from her lashes. Straightening her back and tossing back her mane of dark hair she gave a large sniff and wiped her nose on her sleeve.
‘That’s enough of that’ she said bracingly, ‘this moping about isn’t going to set me free’.
‘That’s the ticket’ said a rough northern type voice, ‘moping about never buttered no parsnips’.
‘Quite’, said Princess debih, giving her handmaiden Ally a withering glance. ‘What we need is a cunning plan to free me from the clutches of the despicable wizard Workingman. Since my father the sultan died he refuses to free me until I give him the hiding place of the Genie Jewel, but I don’t know where my father hid it! Oh where could it be?’
Returning to her sighing and snuffling she threw herself down on her bed. While Ally decided to make a brew and Fudgie the second handmaiden brought out a plate of gingernuts.
*
Meanwhile, down in the darkest dungeon of the palace, Wizard Workingman was pacing up and down waving his wand growling and giving his evil sidekick Aggers the ‘Orrible a clip around the ear every now and again.
‘Aggers’! shouted Wm, ‘we are never going to get the Genie Jewel at this rate and without it I can’t take over the world! This wand is rubbish! As you know the Genie Jewel holds the most powerful genie known to mankind, The Genie of Ramalamadingdong. Before the sultan died he told me (under torture) that the jewel was with ‘the girl’. But which girl Aggers? I’ve been through the harem twice already…and to be honest I’m knackered…and not a sign of the jewel. Where can it be? Think buffoon, think!’ he screamed, clipping Aggers once more.
‘Yes master’, dribbled Aggers and looked up at WM. ‘Do you think we can have just one more look at the harem?’ he grinned madly.
‘Grrr! Alright Aggers! Gird your loins’ and with that the dastardly duo headed off to the harem of screeching wives that included Kate, Gal and Di and assorted VV ladies.
Meanwhile…(again)…just outside the city in a small oasis…
Oops!
A dark and mysterious man sat outside a large tent by his campfire. It was none other than the good prince Valentino.
He was deep in conversation with his good friend the cunning, thief miasmum.
‘So you see shell’ it is up to me to find the Genie Jewel and rescue the princess from the evil clutches of Wizard Workingman and his evil sidekick Aggers the orrible. With that jewel I can do all manner of good things, marry the princess and live happily ever after. Are you with me Shell?’
‘I am your highness’ said a brave and fearless Shell. ‘With my cunning and fancy rope trick we will foil the evil wizard with ease.’
‘Come then’ said prince Valentino, leaping to his feet, ‘we have no time to lose’.
Unfortunately they only had the one camel
Pffft…’Was that you Shell?’ asked the prince, wrinkling his nose.
‘No! It was the front end of this camel’, came a muffled voice from the nether regions.
‘Oh, said the prince, ‘that’s alright then’.
‘Easy for you to say’, grumbled the camel’s bottom.
So without more ado, the heroes took a hump each and galloped off into the night.
*
Back at the palace Wizard WM and Aggers the Orrrible lay exhausted amongst the bevy of beauties in the harem. They were having a few sherbets
While watching the gyrating hips of the palace belly dancers…they were a comely bunch, but after a spray of Deep Heat, they could put on quite a show.
Their belly button jewels (wine gums actually) gleamed in the lantern light, mesmerizing the two scoundrels.
Osc put on a splendid show, her dancing so much better than the other girls, while Bas, Lou, Weka, Jen, nanna and Rodo just boogied around their pile of handbags.
‘Still no jewel’! groaned WM and dropped off to sleep amongst the silk cushions (made by Di) while Aggers dragged off JoM the dancer of the 7 veils for some more questioning.
*
At the city gate Prince Valentino and miasmum were just entering on the back of the camel. Unknown to them they were being watched by two swarthy men in fez’s. As the heroes made their way through the sleeping town, the two strangers followed in the shadows.
As they went through the empty market place a lone snake charmer with hypnotic eyes sat tooting on his pipe as they passed by. The strains of London's Burning followed them down the ally. As they reached the palace the two strangers peeled off and crept through a side door into the palace.
Back in the harem, the two strangers burst in and ran up to Wizard WM. ‘Master’, said the feefinafez (for that’s who he was) ‘Prince Valentino is here’.
‘Yeah’, said the other man, bursting into a little unrelated sand dance (as men in fez’s are wont to do).
‘Right’ said WM leaping up and knocking a couple of belly dancers flying, ‘time for action…Aggers!’
Back in the palace tower Princess debih was making herself lovely in front of the mirror, while her two handmaidens were sitting at a loom weaving. ‘Have you nearly finished the magic carpet yet Ally?’
‘Eee missis, nearly, but Fudgie is so slow. I’m sure we could go faster if she took her clogs off’.
‘Eee our Ally, shut thar gob. Thar knows nout about t’weaving’!
The two girls glared at each other but continued to work until a beautiful little carpet was produced.
‘There thar goes princess’ said Fudgie, ‘one magic carpet’, she beamed. ‘Time for a brew before we escape’?
‘You might have’ said the princess, ‘but I’m outa here’! Whisking the carpet from under the noses of her handmaidens she leapt on board and whizzed out of the window. Unfortunately she didn’t get far because she bumped into the good thief miasmum who had done a magic rope trick and was now up the rope and at the window of the tower.
‘Watch out’ said the princess, shoving miasmum out of the way and made off into the night never to be seen again.
‘Eee’, said Fudgie, ‘I’ll go to the foot of our stairs’!
’That can be arranged’ muttered Ally and chucked Fudgie out of the open window.and landing on the poor unsuspecting camel at the bottom of the tower, it reared up on it’s hind legs, broke wind and galloped off into the desert with Fudgie hanging on for dear life.
Helping handmaiden Ally out of the window , good thief miasmum said, ‘I believe you are the true princess and I have been sent to rescue you. Your beloved Prince Valentino, awaits in the palace garden for you now’.
‘Gradely’, smiled Ally, ‘tis true lad. That harlot debih blackmailed me for years and threatened to smash my Elvis records if I told anyone. But now she is gone and I can reveal myself’.
‘Smashing’, said good thief miasmum, but don’t reveal yourself to me please. Here hang on tight and we’ll climb down the rope’. With that miasmum and Ally made their way down the rope.
*
In the palace garden Prince Valentino adjusted his sword in readiness to do battle with Wizard WM, when all of a sudden a voice came from the darkness. A light feminine voice and a woman stepped into the moonlight. ‘Take my hand’ she cooed, ‘ I’m a stranger in paradise’.
The prince, thinking she was the princess swept her up in a crushing embrace.
‘Ermm…actually, I’m not a stranger in paradise, but thanks for the snog, I’m lissie the late Sultan’s No. 1 wife and I have something for you’. Slipping an enormous diamond ring from her finger, she handed it to Prince Valentino. ‘This is the Genie Jewel, I have kept it hidden waiting for you to come. Take it and my daughter Princess Ally and live happily ever after’. And with that she slipped once more into the night.
Rushing up to the palace the prince met miasmum anddrawing their swords they rushed into the harem in search of Wizard Workingman and Aggers the ‘orrible. What a sight met their eyes…they had stumbled upon a rave up. It appeared that the two evil villians had tied up the feefinafez and the sand dancer, pinched their clothes and had headed off into the night. The harem wives and the belly dancers had called up the local 40 theives and were partying for all they were worth.
‘Looks like we are too late’ said miasmum, those dastardly cowards have done a runner. At least we now have the genie jewel. Shall we give it a rub?’
‘Good idea’, said Prince Valentino, polishing the diamond on his turban. There was a WHOOOOOOSH and a puff of smoke and the Genie of Ramalamadingdong appeared.
‘What?’ scowled the genie, with his arms folded.
‘I’d like my 3 wishes please’, said the prince.
‘I don’t think so’, said the genie, ‘I’ve retired. I got fed up with hanging around so I spend my time cruising now. Me and the missus are just off to forigun parts, so if you don’t mind I have packing to do’. And with another whooooosh and more purple smoke the genie disappeared back into the ring.
‘Well good for him’, said Valentiono, ‘it’s never too late to go travelling, even at 1,000 years of age’.
‘Shall we join the party’, said princess Ally, happy now that her true identity had been revealed.
‘Absolutely’ said Valentino, sweeping his beloved into his arms.
And of course our hero and heroine married and lived happily ever after.
But what became of our villains, I hear you cry? Well, having stolen the clothes of the spies they decided to live in anonymity for the rest of their lives and can now be found from time to time touring the seedy nightclubs of Kandibah, doing their little act. It gets a bit boring after a while, but it keeps them in sherbet!
CLICK HERE
THE END
Thanks to the cast and crew of VV
Princess DEBIH
Handmaiden 1 ALLY
Handmaiden 2 FUDGIE
Wizard WORKINGMAN
Sidekick AGGERS
Thief MIASMUM
Front of camel ELAINE
Back of camel FUGI
Stranger in paradise (female) LISSIE
Snake charmer KAZ
Genie CRUISER
Feefwivfez TON
Sand dancer SUFF
Guard to harem CROMWELL
Dancer with 7 veils JOm
Belly dancers LOU OSC WEKA RODO JEN
Wives in harem KATE GAL DI NANNA
Usherette with rubber torch SAUNDRA
Special guest appearance by Johnny Depp playing the role of Prince Valentino.
